May 7, 2010


I need a "how to" manual, like "How to be Monogamous" or "How to Halt your Raging Urges" or "How to Keep your Legs Closed in 10 Easy Steps."

I love sex. Love, love, love it. Most people do. I realize I am not alone in this. I understand monogamy. I enjoy it, for the most part. The idea of kissing only this woman, loving only this woman, fucking only this woman...well, the idea is just fine.
Then, one morning, I'm in terrible need of a vigorous fucking and she is not home. My skin is alive with need, my mind filled with slow-motion pornography, my body aching to be fulfilled. My busy little brain plots for me. Higher reasoning has vanished with the morning mist, and my thoughts are consumed with the whens, wheres, hows. Music I listen to daily suddenly becomes other, becomes foreign, becomes a throbbing part of me.

When I get these mean reds my thoughts do not touch on my devotion to my significant other or the pain catting around would cause. I feel no guilt, I feel no conscience, nothing. I feel echoes of past lovers, twinges of remembered passions, and a deep desire to revisit those sensations. I have the presence of mind to think, "I should not," and that's about it. There are no emotions or judgments attached to those words. The emotions come later. The guilt wakes me from sleep with the fear that I have been discovered. Later, I feel I deserve to be unhappy, deserve to feel pain for the pain I've caused.

Goddess forbid any lover of mine should turn me down. The world run by the strange creature called "Lust" has no room for individuals who would refuse such a persistent need of mine. It feels like a curse.

Before you suggest it, masturbation is no stranger to me. It does not meet these needs.

I do need a solution. I love this woman. I fear the day I lose all reason and hurt her. She and I have talked this over. She knows what I've written here, how I feel. I want only her, but where does one find the strength to fight the irrational?