March 8, 2010


I'm a lucky girl.

Forcing it hurts. She is not stable. Maybe what I feel for her is not stable, and she remains unchanged. Some days I hate her. Some days, her constant demanding makes irritation rise like bile in my throat. Some days, I can't escape her scent. I want to throw myself against her much like any cat might. I want her scent to swallow me, make everything better. Anything for her.

"We're leaving," she said, and leave we did. I felt like a tramp, felt so well used. She planned on using me again. I knew her game. She had dressed me for dancing; choosing the tight jeans, silver grey bondage top, tie at the sides Provocateur panties. I would not need a bra with such a biting top. Nipples were part of her play.

I balked at being led down the stairs. She bit her lip at my reluctance, but tugged me onward. Silent displeasure in the car. I did not want to. She hissed at me, "Don't appear so reluctant at the club. You do not want to embarrass me."

No, never embarrass you. Nothing to make you angry, nothing to risk displeasure. Tell me what to do, anything, I'll do anything. Just please don't be mad. Please.

Silence. Upon arrival, I play my part well. I smile winningly, I exude sexuality, I dance with abandon. My eyes track her as she stalks the floor. She's searching. Please. Not tonight, please. I'm desperate, please no. She finds one, locks eyes with me. "No," my eyes say. "Now," hers reply.

The one she found is a pretty one. Boyish, like she prefers. I play the game, dancing, whispering, cajoling. She'll be so displeased if I don't capture this one for us. The girl seems to respond, seems captivated, but I see her eyes tracking another girl over my shoulder. No, no, no. Focus on me, tomboy. I'll be whatever you want. No, I've lost her.

She is displeased. We leave. "If you'd go to the gym more often," she tells me, "if you wouldn't wear such dark eyeshadow." "If you'd smile more, if you'd dance better, if you'd flirt right, if you'd...the litany begins. I'm quietly relieved. I did not want the tomboy in our bed tonight.