Epiphany

I made a rather momentous decision recently. Six months ago, my life was headed in a different direction. I was primed to "do something" and "be somebody." Understand please, that I've been receiving these messages my whole life; messages from friends and family that I am somehow special, somehow different from the rest, somehow destined to do great things.

I have never felt enormous pressure from my family, but I have been conditioned to believe that I would be a success at anything I do. I set my life on a step by step plan to grow up and have a big career, to get published in scientific journals, to become a teacher, to make some groundbreaking discovery over the course of my research.

See, let's lay it out.
First, bachelors. Show I'm capable, work hard, raise the GPA, work in a lab, do independent research. Check. Second, get into a doctorate program. Show I'm capable, work hard, raise the GPA, work in a lab, do independent research. Third, compete to get a great internship. Show I'm capable, work hard, do independent research. Fourth, get hired. Show I'm capable, work hard, do independent research. Yeah. All that would be great if I had a passion for proving myself and performing independent research.

I had an epiphany. It seems so plain now, written above, but this was something I missed for four years.

I have also always had a huge fear of becoming so wrapped up in striving for a "successful" career that I lose the good parts of me. I did not see that it was already happening.

I bought stacks of books with an unspoken promise that I would one day get to read them. I constantly refused nights out with friends. I never did yoga or went for a jog (things I love!) because catching a little extra sleep was more important.
This last semester, I lost 15 lbs. completely on accident, because stress made me nauseous.

No more. I am no longer going to be the little unhappy ball of stress I have been. For the next few months, my one true goal is to get back to me. The one true me. The me that dances, sings, does yoga, reads, cooks for god's sake. The rest can wait.

I met someone. We share a platonic relationship, but life-changing conversation over coffee the other night made me see her for who she is. She burns. You know how I so love those passionate people. She reminded me that in life, there are no rules save the ones we choose to abide by.

I'm ready to move forward. Ready to create a life full of my own rules.

Rule #1: There are no rules.