Jealousy

She tells me, "What? You don't want to date me anyway." I watched her kiss her ex, thoroughly. It isn't the kiss that gets to me. It was the look of puppy-dog love on her face. I could have watched her kiss any other girl without complaint. I tried, standing there, not to feel anything about it. I tried to observe, to enjoy the sight of two pretty girls kissing. I tried not to get girly about it.

I do not want to date her, but I very much do. We are so opposite, and she has already remarked to others that we are not compatible. We would be a destructive match, and I am not strong enough to withstand her leaving me for the ex when the ex wants her back. I wanted to take her last night. I was angry and wanted to take her. I felt like being forceful, making her forget the ex for just a moment. I do not love her, but I do like her a good deal. I want her time and attention, but how much of this desire for her is just desire?

She toyed with me all night. She grabbed my hands, my hips, my pants. She responded to my kiss in a most appealing way. I loved it. I want more of her. I feel like I missed an opportunity last night. I'm still kicking myself for it.
I still have a difficult time reading her signals. I am terrified I'll make a move and it won't be well received. For someone so "dominant," I am rather passive.

I was a tool for her at the end of the night. I was something for her to flaunt to test the waters with her ex. I hate not being wanted for who and what I am. A number of my good friends hate that I spend time with her. This is why. We can hang out and have a great time, but in the end I am losing something of myself to her.